You and Your Racist Friends

Hey there and welcome back! So good to see you again. Don’t know about y'all but lately I’ve been thinking about those people in my life who have some, well, let’s just say “issues” with what’s happening in our country right now. I’ve been rolling my eyes so much at their nonsense I feel like my face is a human craps table.

Have you come across any of these folks:

• Maybe a family member who pushes back on a social media post you made because you’re “too radical – we just need to stop the hate. And by the way ALL LIVES MATTER.”

• Perhaps someone with whom you went to high school sends you a DM with all the reasons why your “Black Lives Matter” comment is WRONG because ALL LIVES MATTER and you’re WRONG and he is RIGHT and then he calls you a profane name... (this actually happened to me and I blocked this dude's ass so fast he probably sat down and didn't know why.)

• How about that neighbor who belligerently yells at you and threatens to report you to the HOA as you put a BLACK LIVES MATTER sign in your yard, because, of course ALL LIVES MATTER…

I daresay we know at least one of these people – family, friends, co-workers, neighbors… the list goes on.

So. What to say to these people? How do you say it? Why should you say it?

Let’s back up here just a bit and ask a bigger question:

Are you prepared to say something? Are you ready to take on the racists in your life?

It’s hard, isn’t it – thinking about challenging someone’s position on a topic as volatile and personal as racism. And for a very very long time, white people who profess to see “people as people” let bigots and racists go unchecked. And succumbed to excuses and apologies.

“Oh, that’s just Uncle John’s way. He’s been like this forever, telling those jokes, but he is a good guy.” 

“C’mon – you know me. I’m not racist. I have a lot of black friends. And I don’t see color. So why is it bad for me to say the n-word when singing along with that song? It's right there in the lyrics.”

“Don’t mind Clara – she’s a lovely person who’s having a hard time with her cousin marrying a *stage whisper* Black man.” 

I’m as culpable as the next person when it comes to speaking up when the topic of conversation takes a racist turn. Didn’t want to make waves or ruin the festive atmosphere or be impolite if the offender was a party host. That go-along-to-get-along thing. Respect your elders.

Ah. That “respect your elders” thing had been hammered into me like a piece of plywood on a window as a hurricane approaches. It’s in there tight. So if I heard something racist pop out of an older relative’s mouth, I had to be content with going a little bug-eyed while biting my tongue.

Part of that was age – being young and uncertain of my voice, even though my inner position was solid -- but a good chunk of it was fear of conflict.

I LOOOOOOATHE conflict. Hate it. Used to be I’d pull a mea culpa in an argument just to end it, even if I was in the right.

Tell you what, though – age and maturity has helped me find my voice, as well as being the mother to a developmentally disabled child. You need someone to be extraordinarily firm with a doctor’s office, pharmacy tech or insurance provider person, I’m your girl.

But talking to someone you know about something as sensitive as his/her views on race… that’s a horse of a different color. The intensity is not anywhere close to yelling at an insurance provider over the phone. It’s a difficult and tough conversation to have because it’s personal. And addresses feelings that run very deep.

Many moons ago, I was headed to my car after a women’s Bible study. As is often the case, groups of ladies were gathered in the parking lot, chatting and such. As I approached my car, I noticed a group of three women I didn’t know looking at my vehicle, pointing and whispering. Had someone dented the back of my car in a parking mishap? Flat tire perhaps? Nope.

It was the Obama/Biden '08 bumper sticker proudly displayed in my rear window that had garnered their attention.

As I rounded the corner to get into the driver’s seat, I looked at them with a thin smile. You could feel the glare I shot them over my glasses. Have to give them credit – they at least looked sheepish at being caught being judgy.

Now I don’t have concrete evidence that the disdain those women had for my bumper sticker was based in racism – could have been because that presidential ticket was not the church-folk-preferred Republican one. But the fact that said ticket had a Black man on it could not be discounted. At least not by me in that moment.

Even though my encounter with those judgmental women was not verbal, I was literally shaking when I finally pulled out of the parking lot.

“Next time,” I said to myself. “Next time I’ll say something.”

Next time came. Went. Came. And then went again. I was strong in my convictions – but I needed to pull out the courage of those convictions and let that be my guide. Open my big mouth.

It’s perplexing to me how humans could see other humans as being less than. But they do. And have for generations. Those of us who profess to see “people as people” know that Black people in this country have been struggling with racism and being treated as less than for centuries.

It’s WRONG.

We all know people who don’t see it as wrong. We have personal relationships with them. Might be related to them.

And therein lies the rub.

•

Racism. We talk about it, read about it, see it. The technical definition, as seen in ye olde dictionary is:


How many times have you said or thought to yourself in the past couple of weeks “Nah. I'm not racist. Black Lives Matter" or some variation of that.

Guess what? It’s not enough anymore to “not be racist.” That honestly got none of us anywhere. Which is where we are now. 

Think you're not racist? Think again.

White folks, here’s the reality of things, as pointed out by Leonard Pitts, a Black columnist for the Miami Herald in a piece published this past weekend.

“As a white person in a society where every institution is geared to advantage people like (us), it is literally impossible for (us) to be anything else (but racist.)”

Y’all. We’re inherently racist. We just are. Because of the color of our skin and the systemically racist world around us, We. Are. Racist. We live in a world designed to benefit white people. This is baseline for us. It can become compounded by other factors, but it’s from where we start. I personally used to think this was the root of racism. I now know better.

Mr. Pitts, in his column goes on to lay things out further, speaking from the point of view of a white person:

“Many of us as white people struggle with that. That's because we process racism as a loathsome character defect, when really, it's the water in which we swim.

“No, the question is not whether we are racist, but what kind of racist we will be. Will we be the overt kind, whose behavior marks her from a mile away? In many ways, her very obviousness makes her the least dangerous.

“Will we be the racist in denial, who thinks that because he doesn't use racial slurs and eats lunch with a black guy at work, he's all good? He's ultimately the most dangerous, because his racism is reflected in implicit bias but otherwise hidden, even from himself.

“Or will we be the racist in remission who knows good intentions are not enough, that he must consciously commit not simply to being non-racist, but actively anti-racist?”

Good lord, those are some kind of options. Soul-searching ones. #RealityBites

Cuts me to the quick, this does. Uncomfortable, man.

OK. It's piss or get off the pot time.

I commit to be a racist-in-remission.

If you’re reading this, I can only hope that you’re joining me on this particular squad.

Fellow squad members… first and foremost, we must be anti-racist. Period.

(Note: you’ll often see the word “antiracist” without a hyphen. I added the hyphen for my own benefit because I kept reading it as “anarchist” and well, that’s another thing entirely for another day.)

Author Ibram X. Kendi, who penned the acclaimed book How to Be an Antiracist, (next up on my reading list) has an addendum to the classic dictionary definition of racism that's given above: “One who is supporting a racist policy through their actions or inaction or expressing a racist idea.”

On the other hand, he defines an anti-racist as “One who is supporting an antiracist policy through their actions or expressing an antiracist idea.”

Y’all see that word right in there – ACTION. And its kissing cousin – INACTION.

Not saying anything to your racist friend or relative = INACTION.

Ouch.

Once again, time for some unpleasant, but constructive navel gazing. I’m also guilty of this. Inaction.

Quoth the raven… nevermore. We white folks can no longer be passive when it comes to racism. Black people in this country deserve much much better from their so-called allies. That’s us, y’all. We're the allies and advocates. They deserve better from us. We have let them down. It’s our turn to step out of our comfort zones and do right by our Black sisters and brothers.

Be a racist-in-remission who is obviously anti-racist.

That’s a mouthful. Won’t fit nicely on a button. Judgy women won’t be able to point at it on a bumper sticker displayed on my car. So we’ve got to demonstrate this with our ACTIONS.

There’s a song I learned long ago in Vacation Bible School that said “They’ll know we are Christians by our love.”

Time to check yourself and get right. Because they’ll know we are anti-racist by our actions.

To be continued…

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